THE PEOPLE YOU’LL MEET
Sellers beware! To put your house on the market is to enter a world of smoke and mirrors which only the most hardened and cynical seller is fully equipped to survive! Sometimes the mere act of casually setting out to view property turns otherwise perfectly honest and decent people into vampires – and they're coming to view your home! So how will you know who they are? Here are just a few examples!
THE CONFIDENCE TRICKSTER Usually a frightfully well dressed, well spoken, young man who'll tell you he's just sold his listed company/ beachfront condominium/ 50m ocean-going yacht and anticipates receiving the very substantial proceeds at any moment. Of course until then it's a trifle embarrassing but he's a bit short of the readies and would prefer to buy your home on deferred terms with no initial deposit and immediate occupation. (and just by the way he has some minor royals coming to stay next week). ‘I can assure you that there'll be absolutely no problems, old boy. My attorney has strict instructions to pay out the full purchase price just as soon as the funds come through'.
Don't be fooled by his old school tie and gentlemanly manners – once he is installed in you property you are unlikely to see any money – ever! This ‘buyer' will be full of promises and extremely difficult and expensive to dislodge. When you do finally get possession of your home you may find most of the fixtures and appliances missing!
THE TOUGH CUSTOMER He's been around. No-one is going to put one over on this guy! His approach goes something like this. ‘What's their reason for selling? Divorce? Bankruptcy? I could see right away they've got problems. What're they asking? You're joking! R2, 5m for this pile of junk! Listen son , I've been in the property market for 30 years, don't try to kid a kidder. Look at the finishes in this pile of junk. The tiling's been done by a blind man., they've skimped on the cupboard doors, the fittings are cheap, the wiring looks dodgy and there's been one hell of a leak here. How long has it been on the market? I'm not surprised! Asking R2,5m in this area! They need their heads read! The railway's in the front garden and you can hear the motorway like you're standing on it. It'll never sell! Tell him I'll give him R1, 5m cash for it and I want an answer by 5 o'clock . They should kiss my feet!
If he does buy, things won't get better. He'll demand to nominate the attorney. There'll certainly won't be a deposit and he'll delay any payment until a never ending list of minor faults has been expensively fixed. He'll continue to find fault with everything and even threaten to void the contract – frequently! His occupational rent will always be late and collecting it will be nightmare. And if you've been foolish enough to lend him your garden tools until he settles in you can kiss them goodbye.
THE ROMEO GAMBIT (practiced by smooth, rich looking, older men driving expensive sports cars and accompanied by stunning young women at least thirty years their junior). After a whirlwind inspection of the property he'll mutter in her ear, ‘Like it Darling?' She gushes, ‘Dahling, I absolutely love it!' He'll immediately insist on making an offer at the full asking price and will complete it with a flourish - except for the final signature!
At the last moment he hesitates, pen poised and says, ‘Ah, perhaps just as a formality I should ask my attorney/ accountant/ merchant banker on whether to put it in the name of my business/close corporation/ offshore holding company or whatever. ‘Tax implications, you know' He whips out his mobile and rings his advisor who, since it's a Sunday afternoon, is naturally unavailable. ‘What a bore doll, I know you love it but worry not, I'll sort it all out next week before I fly to New York'
This gambit is designed not to secure the property but to charm the pants off the young lady. (literally). It costs him nothing and it probably works like a charm but you can take odds that the telephone number he gives you is false and that this is one offer that will never be signed!
THE WALKING DISASTER This is a man whose business partner has cheated him, whose company has failed due to unfair competition, whose funds have been exhausted by paying hospital bills for his 90 year old widowed mother or whose wife has emptied his bank account and run off with his best friend! He always requires a lease with an option to purchase ‘just until he gets on his feet again.' He will have foolproof schemes for making money by breeding koi in the goldfish pond, growing magic mushrooms, running a rehabilitation centre for unmarried mothers or selling elephant compost from your garage.
His is a heart-wrenching and often persuasive tale of woe but if you value your home and need the money, don't fall for it. His schemes are likely to attract the attention of the health inspector, receiver of revenue or the vice squad, (not necessarily in that order) and in our experience the walking disaster seldom, well never, actually, comes up with the money. And when all these grandiose schemes fail he will skip out in the middle of the night owing you six months rent. And what will you do with the 20 tons of elephant pooh blocking your driveway??
THE MILLIONAIRE DIRELECT Comes to view your expensive property in a rusting 1958 Wolkswagen Kombi with a blown exhaust, wears tatty work clothes, has a beard down to his waist with beads woven into it, old tackies with flapping soles and a marmoset or a parrot on his shoulder. He tends to be of unfathomable nationality, speaks impenetrable English and is, impossible to pin down. He will drive a hard bargain and insist in buying through an anonymous Close Corporation and paying the full purchase price in cash. He wants to sign right now and move in Tuesday!
Next morning he pitches up on your doorstep with R500, 000 in used notes in a Checkers bag and asks how soon you need the other 2m! He's difficult to read but earn to recognise him, he's solid gold even if he does look like a refuse collector. Verifying his credentials is going to give the agent, the conveyancer and the bank nightmares – but it'll be worth it!
THE CHINESE PUZZLE Ah so. The honourable Chinese buyer unfortunately speak no English. But don't worry, although he has only been in the country three days he already knows the market price, (and the value), of every single property and has numerous family members tagging along to advise and translate. He does have several well defined requirements - the property must be spacious, tiled throughout, have good views, a driveway which slopes up to the house rather than down, an auspicious lot or street number and of course, the Feng Shui vibes must be just right.
If your property is dramatically overpriced, don't worry. He loves to bargain and once he has beaten you down to what he considers to be, (and generally is), a reasonable price he'll be perfectly happy to sign. From then on everything will then go like clockwork. In our experience Chinese buyers always honour their commitments - and sometimes even lavish expensive presents on the agent! So go for it!
And then there's THE PERFECT BUYER Phones up about the property; asks sensible questions; makes an appointment two days in advance; arrives on time in a Volvo estate with two Labrador retrievers; walks though the property just once; says he likes it (his wife does too); writes an offer on the spot (often for the full asking price!); attaches a cheque for the deposit; is delighted with the deal; doesn't annoy the seller by turning up on his doorstep every weekend prior to transfer; puts up his financial guarantees on time; is understanding about delays in the transfer process and above all, is honest and courteous to a fault. He's out there somewhere – just don't hold your breath!
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